W. C. Fields

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

W. C. Fields, in Vice and Virtue

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W. C. Fields, in Wisdom and Ignorance

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields, in Altruism and Cynicism

If at first you don't succeed, try, and try again. Then give up. There's no sense in being a damned fool about it.

W. C. Fields, in Success and Failure

Never give a sucker an even break and never smarten up a chump.

W. C. Fields, in Altruism and Cynicism

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W. C. Fields, in Altruism and Cynicism